Daddy Michael

I spent a pretty good amount of time yesterday in spandex biking leggins bent in two weeding the front gardens.  This morning She rang me at 4 and told me to get my 'arse' outta bed and do the horses now cause She had some more 'ass in the air' gardening for me to do before I left for Cambridge.  And dont forget to wear the black spandex michael.. .. now jeez i know were a little pervy here (ok.. sorta alot) but for the love of Mike (I love that saying!) why? 
I didnt ask outright.. cause that woulda pissed Her off and She mighta decided I couldnt go to Ryans folks today.  I been thinking about him all night cause this is not a casual visit to his mom and dads.  Hes gone over for the weekend cause hes got to talk to em about something serious.
So anyway.. .. I just finished.  She even came outside and watched me up close.  Its distracting to have some female pawing on your backside while youre trying to get the weeding done but I managed.
CF didnt budge (or should i say bulge) an inch.  Good boy.  We dont need that kinda recreation.  Im just not up for it.. .. (pardon the lousy pun)
Im not gonna be online probably for the rest of the day.  Me and Ryan will come home after supper at his house.. so that might be about.. .. 9pm?  Im not sure.
Later Friends and Foes.. .. ..
 

Ive been working hard in the house today.  Its probably a good thing because its been cloudy and rainy just about all day.   The new profile pic is Ryan and me and its recent!  Were both kinda furry faced in it but its winter and I think having a face muffler is a good thing lol. 
Im braintired tonight.  Been crunching the numbers and taking a look at all the households expenditures.  Its amazing what you go through in a month around here.
Well I better get moving.   Man my eyes are itching and burning.  If ryan let that cat in here and Im having a reaction or something hes one dead guy.. ..
ME OWWWW 
Neway.. .. I just wanted to say hi and let everyone know were still alive!  
I'm tired.. but alive. 

i have a feelin this blog is probably gonna get a little borin for neone thats not one of my trusted blog friends.
ive written a private post to adie, MsE and MsAntlady and sort of let some pent up feelins out
a little explanation of why their kind words about the baby really touched me.. ..
but neway after gettin up and groomin the horses this mornin i took it upon myself to do the laundry and a couple bathrooms.. and hoover (vacuum) all the stairs after i fixed the little attachment that ryan said was broken
lol i am good for somethin and he seemed impressed sayin 'howd you do that?'
my secret
but really something was just stuck in the airflow part that turns the little belt that makes the brushes turn
dont ask me all the technical details coz im not a vacuum cleaner repairman
i wrote a couple emails and tonight me and ryan are gonna make some 'veggie burgers'
its a new recipe he got and from what i can tell the burgers are really potato, carrot, peas, spring onions and seasoning on a wholemeal bun.. .. .. not exactly the all american boys favorite but ill try it
i had a piano lesson today too
ryan pulled out the note flashcards and i did the best i could
i can promise you the cards took me so long to figure out - well some of em did - that there was no real flashin goin on.. ..
i dont think im musically talented.. i can play a little bit on guitar but mostly chords and a little bit from tabs..
i can sing ok i guess
so neway.. .. .. ryan says hed like to work toward a recital in may.. ..
now im thinkin
is he nuts?
i asked him 'what am i gonna play?  twinkle twinkle little star?'
he said no.. something by a classical composer but he hasnt picked out the piece yet
::shakin head::
i dunno
he keeps sayin 'you can do it michael'
im glad one of us has some faith in my piano efforts lol
i dont know whats on for tonight after we play around cookin in the kitchen.. ..
ryan picked out a cross stitch sampler for the baby.. .. hes already bought it, got it and is workin on it right now..
when its done it should look like this:

of course the babys name isnt gonna be alexander james.  MsV wants to name him Michael Ryan Harrison. 
i guess well just see when he gets here.. ..
we still have some of the baby booties that ryan and MsV did for Celestia.. none of em were blue tho so ryans gonna do that too he says
im in charge of the babys  room this time.
the colors are blue and white.. .. i know i know.. not very original..
and the theme is teddy bears.. which you probably guessed from the stitchin piece..
well its gonna be time to cook those veggie burgers soon
im a little bit hungry which is good
i got on the scale this morning just for the hell of it and ive lost 10 pounds since christmas time.
i just havent been as hungry i guess.. ..
ill write more when i get a chance

in the meantime heres another kinda cool pic of a baby boy.. .. ..

its been more than a week now since i found out i was gonna be a dad
i was at MsLizs when MsV  had the scan done
i know some of you might not understand this.. .. ..
last sept and part of october MsV and me were tryin to conceive
after losin celestia ryan was and is still pretty set on not havin nemore babies
i think he might change his mind one day
but losin his little girl was a real hard blow for him
i understand how he feels and i gotta respect that
neway.. ..
MsV decided Shed like to have a baby
and everyone knows that i wanna be a dad
so we were tryin
weve known for at least a month or so that She was pregnant but because we didnt know how far along she was
i thought ryan had at least some chance of bein the dad
but i was wrong about that
im not gonna get too personal cause i wanna respect peoples privacy
long story short.. .. the baby is a little boy.. who MsV keeps callin junior lol..
hes due on june 18th
im not gonna write about some of the other things that have happened
ryan already did that
the thing i am gonna say is
that my son is the most important person in the world to me
i want him to have a good life with me and his Mom and 'uncky ryan' lol
we are all excited.. .. ryan is worried as usual but hes happy neway
hes chasin MsV around with a handful of vitamins and glasses of 2% milk
we have an appt with the doctor this thursday which i think will just be a little checkup thing and maybe some advice
i dont have to tell You that things will change around here
just like they would have already changed if celestia had lived
just like ne other adults in a committed relationship theres gonna be adjustments
no more sex on the sofa
no more walkin around naked
bein discreet and keepin the sexual side of things very much to ourselves
there are lots of different kinds of families.. ..
there are families with two moms
families where the grandparents act as the parents
two dad families.. ..
single parent families..
foster parent families.. ..
and even little white boys being brought up by older black women who they arent related to at all.. .. .. in case some of you dont know.. .. im talkin about myself..
when my mom died i was five and she left me in the care of someone she had become very close to who just happened to be african american.  i grew up callin her auntie.  she did a good job of bringin me up too.  i owe her so much.
i guess my point is.. ..
despite what some people think
where theres love theres hope
where theres love theres a chance for lots of wonderful things to happen..
im lookin forward to the next scan so i can see him wrigglin around in there
ryan told me that its somethin ill never forget..
i bet hes right.
i just wanted to tell everyone officially.
oh.. .. and thanks adie for congratulatin me
it feels good to have other people be happy for us.

heres another tv butler.. and this one even has an english accent.. .. this is a old show before my time but its a good butler example..
hey did ne of you guys know what a butler does?
its called butling
sounds weird but its true

for all you guys who dont know who Lurch is heres a little clip off youtube. its an episode thats real fittin for ryan with the piano stuff and the singin. heh heh heh. coupla things to look for when comparin ryan to lurch. first the musical skill.. .. second the way he reacts when the record guy wants to make him a star but the main thing is when the girls start goin crazy for him. watch the butler boys reaction. when he looks out the window thats ryan straight up! lol.. .. enjoy this. ive laughed until my sides hurt!

i guess i shouldnt have gone nuts on here
theres alot worse things than finding out you do have a dad
or a father.. .. or whatever he is
so far nothing to me
but who knows
i posted what i was feelin and i should have waited until i had calmed down
im ok for now
im healin up from my party for one
ryans still worried about me
but that doesnt stop him from playin tricks on me
i found out about dettol yesterday morning
here michael im just gonna put a little soap and water on your back
like ive been doin ever since you hurt yourself
and then sizzle
now i can hack it
all i did was shudder a little cause it surprised me
but boy oh boy did he make a big deal of that
you flinched!  he says to me
well duh
i was expectin water
water and dettol are NOT the same thing
so he keeps needlin me for fun and flashin that dumb fool grin of his
all i said to him was just you wait
and im not sorry for callin you lurch buddy
game back on
all bets off.. .. ..
with that beard and all im gonna change your name to eddie munster
go figure that out butler boy
lol
im feelin a wrestlin match comin on
and im feelin like a winner too
anyways.. .. ..
im not gonna do nething about the father thing
im not that damn curious
and i dont need it.. like adie said in his comment.. (oh and thanks adie!) some things are better left alone.
ive got a life to live and a heart to figure out
who needs more complications
oh and the new pic is me Adie
thats from the cruise we went on a few months back
ryan posted his so i thought id do mine
just to show im better lookin lol
oh god.. im a quillin failure
i suck at doing crafty crap
but MsV never gives up lol
She pulls out this big box of all colored paper strips and some little tool thing that looks like a hypodermic needle with a wooden handle and this board of circles and says im gonna make some cards
oh man.. .. ..
first i cant get the paper around the needle thingie
then after i do my circles are more like ovals with bends
i was at this for three hours
and i dont think im ne better at it than i was
why am i doin this?
cause She says to
i think puttin a kink in my tail gives Her a charge
mmm hmm
i cooked some food the other night
brit food - and it turned out decent
MsV said it was good
ryan didnt have my main meal cause hes a vegetable
i made steak and kidney pie
i love steak.. .. and kidney is ok i guess.. .. tastes like turkey giblets
i wouldnt eat it on its own.. .. blech!
im gonna go
sorry i was such a pissy pants last time
im ok
im over the shock.. .. 
i guess the people makin decisions had their reasons
im gonna leave it at that.

mm mm mm michael
(thats for you princess chauncey)

im not gonna go too into it
sayin it upsets me is a fuckin understatement.. .. ..
i got told a few nights ago
that my mom DID know who my dad was
but never told me
and told auntie not to tell me until i was in my mid twenties
i know now.. ..
auntie told me his name and some other details..
but i wish like fuck she hadnt
i feel numb
i feel angry
i feel like breakin things and breakin myself
i feel cheated
and then i dont feel anything all over again.. .. ..
get this.. .. ..
the guy knows NOTHING about me
he doesnt even know i exist
he never knew he got my mom pregnant..
she never told him!!!
somehow the fuckers family life was more important to everyone than my need for a dad
see.. .. .. as the bitch of a story goes.. ..
the guy that won the lucky sperm lottery was a married guy
so im not happy with all this bullshit
for the first time in my life im REAL PISSED OFF at my mom
i mean.. .. .. WHAT THE FUCK?
what about the little boy that needed a father huh????
what about the kid who noticed that everyone else seemed to have a dad at the games to cheer em on?
what about the little boy who needed a good male role model huh????
what about ME for fuck sake?
i wish like hell i could go back and not know a damn thing
it was a hell of alot easier when he was nameless and no one
i wanna turn back the clock and not be told nething
ive done what i can to let out my feelins
but of course that shocks the shit outta ryan
he doesnt get the need to bleed
he doesnt understand that pain is therapeutic
hes in the dark and thinks im going mental
a god damn lunatic.. .. thats what he thinks i am now..
so what do i do?
jackshit.. .. .. thats what
i dont wanna know him
i dont care if hes dead or alive or fuckin stray animals on a dare
ryan says its not his fault cause he didnt know
i dont fuckin care
im mad at my mom
my mom whos been dead for nearly 19 years
but ffs mom.. .. that little five year old boy you left behind sure as fuck coulda used a daddy
didnt you even think about that for five god damn seconds?
what in hell was the point in tellin me now when im a grown man?
thats like throwin a life preserver in 2007 to one of the people lost on the Titanic
ive gotten by thanks to auntie.. .. and im not sayin i dont love her and appreciate her
she did the best she could with me.. .. all by herself
but why in hell didnt anyone care enough?
did they think the bastard wouldnt have anythin to do with me?
hell if i know.. ..
a friend of mine told me to sit on this a while and give it a chance to settle in
actin on anything right now could be a bad move
found out that ryan and MsV even knew
when auntie was livin here she told em.. .. ..
aint that a crock of feces?
instead of the wife.. .. i guess its the son thats always the last to know
im so fuckin screwed in the head.. .. ..
i need a hug but im too angry to let anyone near me
ryan is driving me apeshit by worryin and lookin concerned
hes just hangin around and hoverin over me like he did MsV when She was preggers
somebody help me..
i feel like im drowning
nevermind.. dont..
im better off dead