i havent posted here in a long time.. .. ..
most of my posts in the past have been sorta jovial and good for a laugh
but i have a serious side too
and youre gonna meet that side today..
in the past few weeks ive learned some things
things that people have tried to point out but i guess i didnt see
ive been told lots of things about myself
some of em i agree with
others i dont
but all these things ive been told
are from people that have never met me in the flesh.. ..
the hard facts are:  (the things theyve said that i now realize are true)
i take things too much to heart
i am swayed by people who are willin to show me affection
(yes You were right.. i follow the carrot dangled in front of me)
i give too much of my life away in words on the screen
i reveal my heart and thats like poison in the wrong hands
(the clones proved that)
no ones said anything about whats gone on recently so ill tell you
i got scared.. .. i got cold feet about makin a huge commitment and at the last minute after all the plans had been made and guests invited
i asked for a little more time
everythin had to be canceled.. .. and again ryan bore the brunt of my assinine behavior
(not the reason hes ill but it didnt help did it?)
She granted me the time but through tears.. .. hugged me and told me to go on
and do what i needed to and come back with a decision
by Christmas if possible
She sent me off to spend time alone and to think without Her or ryans influence over me..
but i took my computer
and im beginnin to think thats part of my problem.. .. or at least it exacerbates my problems
i trust too much.. .. ..
somehow i think if im just honest and open with people then things will be ok
and while im sittin here typin this im thinkin
michael.. .. .. after all the stuff you went through at the hands of bullies and druggies and fuckin assholes out to show just how real hatred and racism is.. ..
why do you believe in the ultimate good of people?
i have confided some things to people online
and when they were fed back to me months later 
theyd been embellished big time
like the time when i was thinkin of going to someone else..
the new line is that i was tied up in restraints 
and locked in the dungeon until i came to my senses
how did a weekend in solitary confinement IN MY ROOM to have time to think 
(which is what really happened) turn into holdin me hostage? 
that would be a criminal offense
and i know that neither MsV nor ryan would ever hold me against my will 
i dont know.. im ramblin
but to get back on track..
ive been in a b&b in cornwall 'havin a think' as they say.. ..
MsV called and said that ryan had collapsed and was in the hospital
so i drove back home overnight (got lost twice)
and last night and the night before 
i spent the night at the hospital with him.. ..
watchin him breathe with those tubes in his nose.. ..
thinkin how people have thought my love for him will only lead to heartbreak.. ..
i dont believe it.. ..
those people arent here
this isnt their life.. .. well meanin tho they might be..
i do love MsV.. .. .. i do care about Her a hell of alot
just because im not crosseyed and droolin over Her
doesnt make it a lesser love
stayin here was never about only loving ryan and not lovin Her
thats not the case neway ffs.. ..
weve been intimate.. .. She has given me what i need physically and mentally.. ..
Shes taken time to learn me and also to teach me..
She loves me.. wants whats best for me
and She expects alot of me
She wants me to be all that i can be..
She believes i have potential and promise.. ..
but.. .. ..
all that aside.. ..
when ryan gets well enough to go home ill be goin to miami to spend time with
my auntie and meet up with some of my college and high school friends
ill think about my life
ill think damn hard about it.. ..
and ill make a decision about whats best for me
i may go somewhere else and visit other people
after ive thought and deliberated
and uncovered everythin thats inside of me 
but here on this blog is where ill share my feelins
with people i dont see
who dont see me
not on AOL
not in chat
not in IMs
revealin myself in those places has just hurt me and hurt or frustrated others
i need to concentrate
i need to drum up the courage to delete my AOL account
and go on with my life
i dont want to hurt anyone or disappoint or annoy or aggravate people
i never wanted to do that
im gonna learn the fine art of timing.. and knowing when to keep my mouth shut
im gonna install a still small voice in my head that whispers
"they dont need to know about that michael"
isolation is not what got me into all this mess
talkin too much is what did
and listenin to everyone but my inner self.. ..
im sorry this doesnt make sense to most of the people who might read this
theres so much behind the scenes
but im the only one who knows it all
im the only one who has all the information
and stands in a position to make decisions about my future
and im the one who will live it
whether its good or bad

michael