im not gonna go too into it
sayin it upsets me is a fuckin understatement.. .. ..
i got told a few nights ago
that my mom DID know who my dad was
but never told me
and told auntie not to tell me until i was in my mid twenties
i know now.. ..
auntie told me his name and some other details..
but i wish like fuck she hadnt
i feel numb
i feel angry
i feel like breakin things and breakin myself
i feel cheated
and then i dont feel anything all over again.. .. ..
get this.. .. ..
the guy knows NOTHING about me
he doesnt even know i exist
he never knew he got my mom pregnant..
she never told him!!!
somehow the fuckers family life was more important to everyone than my need for a dad
see.. .. .. as the bitch of a story goes.. ..
the guy that won the lucky sperm lottery was a married guy
so im not happy with all this bullshit
for the first time in my life im REAL PISSED OFF at my mom
i mean.. .. .. WHAT THE FUCK?
what about the little boy that needed a father huh????
what about the kid who noticed that everyone else seemed to have a dad at the games to cheer em on?
what about the little boy who needed a good male role model huh????
what about ME for fuck sake?
i wish like hell i could go back and not know a damn thing
it was a hell of alot easier when he was nameless and no one
i wanna turn back the clock and not be told nething
ive done what i can to let out my feelins
but of course that shocks the shit outta ryan
he doesnt get the need to bleed
he doesnt understand that pain is therapeutic
hes in the dark and thinks im going mental
a god damn lunatic.. .. thats what he thinks i am now..
so what do i do?
jackshit.. .. .. thats what
i dont wanna know him
i dont care if hes dead or alive or fuckin stray animals on a dare
ryan says its not his fault cause he didnt know
i dont fuckin care
im mad at my mom
my mom whos been dead for nearly 19 years
but ffs mom.. .. that little five year old boy you left behind sure as fuck coulda used a daddy
didnt you even think about that for five god damn seconds?
what in hell was the point in tellin me now when im a grown man?
thats like throwin a life preserver in 2007 to one of the people lost on the Titanic
ive gotten by thanks to auntie.. .. and im not sayin i dont love her and appreciate her
she did the best she could with me.. .. all by herself
but why in hell didnt anyone care enough?
did they think the bastard wouldnt have anythin to do with me?
hell if i know.. ..
a friend of mine told me to sit on this a while and give it a chance to settle in
actin on anything right now could be a bad move
found out that ryan and MsV even knew
when auntie was livin here she told em.. .. ..
aint that a crock of feces?
instead of the wife.. .. i guess its the son thats always the last to know
im so fuckin screwed in the head.. .. ..
i need a hug but im too angry to let anyone near me
ryan is driving me apeshit by worryin and lookin concerned
hes just hangin around and hoverin over me like he did MsV when She was preggers
somebody help me..
i feel like im drowning
nevermind.. dont..
im better off dead